1 Ridiculously Simple Tip to Make Your Marriage Better

The bedroom is an excellent place to make your marriage better–and no, it’s not for the reasons you think!

What do these three settings have in common?

  1. Driving in a car with your man.
  2. Dining at the bar together.
  3. Lying next to him in bed.

The Answer:  You’re both facing the same direction.

This is the key for communicating with your man.  Women and men do not communicate the same way.  When women chat, we like to sit face-to-face and look into each other’s eyes.  But men have a much easier time being honest and open with you when you’re both facing the same direction.

Once you accept this fundamental difference between men and women, you can make allowances for it.  You can even turn it into an asset!  Follow this simple rule to help your man open up:

Go to bed at the same time as your husband.

I took an informal poll of my friends, and ladies, I know this can be hard!  So many of us are tempted to stay up to the wee hours, by ourselves, enjoying “our” time to ourselves.  But if you can fight that urge, and tuck in early with your husband, it will be totally worth it.

There are three huge benefits to going to bed at the same time, especially if you make it on the early side:

Make it easy for your husband to share his heart with you.

Lying side-by-side, in the dark, facing the same direction?  For a man, the barriers to communication can’t get any lower.

Just make sure he knows you didn’t fall asleep while he was searching for the right words.

It can only do good things for your love life.

Enough said, right?

You’ll get more sleep.

If all else fails, you both fall asleep–and getting more sleep helps us be more patient, which is also excellent for marital communication.  But if you stay up way too late talking (or whatever), it will be totally worth it.

Plan this important part of your day now!

What do you need to do so that you’re ready to go to bed when your husband does?  Do it now–you won’t regret it!


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  1. Damsel says:

    It’s true — my hubby and I have our best conversations when both of us are on the couch instead of facing each other. He asks me to come sit next to him so that we can talk. I think it’s partly that he doesn’t want us to be face to face, and partly that he likes to touch me while we talk. He’ll put his hand on my leg or hold my hand. I read somewhere once that it’s calming to touch someone while you’re “discussing” (read: arguing about) something. Seems to work for us!

    • Anne says:

      The couch–that’s a great one! And touch definitely sounds like a great strategy for having a “discussion”–especially if it’s not an altogether pleasant one.

      • Wes Murphey says:

        Hi Anne,
        I often ask my wife of 2 years “Why did she marry me, she doesn’t want to talk to me, she’s critical of much of what I do or say, and I can count on one hand the number of times she’s complimented me about anything?” Our courtship was at a long distance 2(2.5 hours) and everytime we were together she seemed thrilled just to be with me, she never criticized me and she seemed so easy going, though not nearly as conversational as I’d like. She rarely goes to bed when I do, she stays up late playing her computer games or watching tv. And she’s gained about 40 pounds in the 2 years we’ve been married. I wish she could read some of your stuff. Can you help us at all?

          • Leah says:

            Well I suggest the five love languages as a place to start. See what she responses too the best. Then…maybe find a way to interact with her in a way you both like. Hubby likes games but needs lots of people to make it fun for him…I like games too but I don’t need a lot of people to have fun. We both now play CO on our phones because it works for both of us.
            Also women are more affected by stress than men. And stress for them can be anything…from children to work to passionless relations…it can take a toll on the body and how she interacts with you. She may be just as frustrated as you.

  2. Annie Kate says:

    I’m all for that…but what if it’s hubby staying up until the wee hours? I’ve spent over two decades trying to solve that one….

    But you’re right. Any wife who stays up later than her hubby is throwing away such precious time. Great post!

    Annie Kate

      • Hannah Elise says:

        Yeah, I’m in the same boat as Annie Kate. Hubby is -definitely- the one who stays up later. I used to be more of a night owl (and still probably stay up later than I -should- if I were smart about it) but since the birth of our eight-month-old son, I just can’t do it anymore. No, make that, since I got pregnant and felt like I was going to fall asleep in my dinner plate. 😛 I digress. Any commentary you might have on hubby being the one who stays up later would be greatly appreciated.

        • Cassie says:

          This answer may sound flippant, but just ask. Not right before your going to bed, but when you have a date night, explain to him that youd like him to go to bed when you did, even if that means he gets up when you do fall asleep. When I was pregnant I couldn’t go to sleep unless hubby was next to me (unable to be medicated for anxiety while pregnant issues!) he’d cuddle me and I would fall asleep(it helps that once im relaxed enough to sleep I tend to not want to be touched and I roll over and off of him. Once im asleep, if he hasnt fallen asleep he will play pn his phone or get up and finish whatever he was watching). But he cant read your mind (hubby reminds me of this all the time lol), so you have to be very clear and use very verbal language for example :”I want you to come to bed at the same time as me, I feel that we do not get to spend a lot of time together without distractions and this is how I would like to accomplish that. I also fall asleep easier if you are lying next to me, then if you are doing…”, he may bulk at first, so ask him if he has any suggestions for spending tine together distraction free, be willing to compromise. Or fight dirty and bat your eyes at him and let him know your will to have a little fun 😉 if he’s willing to come to bed earlier with you, Works just about every time my hubby says he’d rather stay up. He also is more willing to open up emotionally after that time too, as he feels closer to me.

    • JadeAnneMarie says:

      Same applies to a husband. I go to bed earlier than my boyfriend of over three years. He used fall asleep with me. Now he stays up late and “works” in the basement. It’s and every night emotional struggle I go through by myself… I miss what we don’t have anymore and what came with the night time together: talking… Real heart to heart talking, intimacy, closeness, being able to relate to each other in a way I can’t even explain… It’s all gone now. And I am alone with the lack of it. He does not seem to be bothered and if he is, he doesn’t want to do his share, so what worked in the past and made us… Well, made me… Connected… 🙁

  3. 'Becca says:

    I’m glad you found something that works for you, and it’s very much worth suggesting, but it really depends on the man. Mine doesn’t get into bed until he’s sleepy (or for sex) and gets annoyed if I try to start a conversation at that point. It’s a good time for cuddling, though!

  4. Really good advice. My only concern – my husband stays up way later than me (sometimes by 2-3 hours). Not sure I could go to bed that late and 1) be a good wife or mother the next day, 2) have any conversation without passing out! Haha! However, we have some good talks in the car, especially if our kids have fallen asleep and we are driving around for a while.

  5. Kim says:

    Great post. My husband and I almost always go to bed at the same time. Usually its way to late and I fall asleep so fast, sometimes I’m out before I can lay down..lol I think we just need to work on getting there earlier…

  6. Amy says:

    This is so true. Enough so that it stayed in my mind all night. I told my husband about it as we were sitting on the couch together, facing towards the tv (it was off) and talking. Then when we went to bed (at the same time) we got some more heart to heart in. <3 I even passed this post on. 🙂 Thanks for the lightbulb moment!

  7. Jessica says:

    I actually did a post about this a few weeks ago! Going to bed at the same time as my husband has helped me to get up earlier (more sleep) and has helped us connect better in general.

  8. I thought about this post this morning. I realized last night, a “solution” my husband and I found for his nightowlness and my early-to-bedness is that he will lay down with me for a few minutes to talk about our day and relax with me, before going off to do something else (which is currently watching ever NBA final game on tv!). We don’t go to sleep together, but it’s generally the same thing.

  9. Natalie says:

    I’m so guilty of staying up later than my husband so I can have a bit of time on my own, so this struck a chord with me. My husband would love me to go to bed at the same time as him. I guess the benefits of connecting with him will outweigh anything I *need* to get done in the evenings, so from tonight I will start! Thank you for the push I needed.

    • Anne says:

      Natalie, I need the push myself! We developed some bad habits on vacation–we’re still going to bed at the same time, just two hours too late! Last night was a good beginning, I’m resolving to continue the trend tonight. (But it’s hard!)

    • I agree. My husband would like for me to go to bed much earlier as well. It’s not that I am getting a bunch of work done at night – I can hardly keep my eyes open by then – it’s just that I don’t get any time to myself until then… little children are often in my bed but not asleep enough to move yet… I don’t want to watch what he is watching on TV (tv – a conversation killer anyway) and all of that. I really do need more sleep, though!

      I have also noticed that we talk more when we are driving somewhere. Less now that we have kids old enough to eaves drop and insert themselves into the conversation. ; )

  10. kay says:

    You are a genius! I had never thought of this, but you are so right. These are indeed the times my husband opens up the most. I’d always known that men tend to do things with each other side by side instead of face to face (like us women), but I’d never thought about using that same strategy in my marriage. Many days I don’t learn something brand new and helpful, but today it’s only 10:00 and I have! Thank you!

  11. Hubby and I always go to bed together. If I can get us there a little early, before we’re really tired, we have more time to talk and visit and cuddle. Or whatever. 🙂 Excellent advice!!

  12. Cat says:

    OMG! Why didn’t I think of that? I knew that the best time to talk to guys is while you’re doing things together like driving, hiking, etc. It works for my sons too. But I never thought about that being why talking in bed works. Hmmm . . . .

  13. Becky says:

    My husband and I hardly ever go to bed together. He loves to fall asleep cuddling but I can’t, I don’t know why. We are very happy (well I think we are) but do the same thing day in, day out. He can be very lazy in the mornings and I get stressed having to do everything for my two children to get to school on time. He does a lot in the evenings because I work, but I can still come home and have to pick things up while he sits on the sofa for hours. I get stressed because being a mum is 24/7 work. I just keep going round in circles.

  14. Gina says:

    We do this to a silly extreme! We often pack the kids off to bed and then go off ourselves with the laptop for a movie or just chatting or whatever ;). It is the best bit of the day. We also have a double ended bath and we chat a lot in there. My dad thinks it is a very debauched thing to have installed but it is so relaxing and it is utterly, utterly, utterly, utterly impossible to chat with the children around inserting their lovely sticky beaks into conversations. Utterly. I think as long as you keep talking and having fun together you are keeping the sparkly sparks alive and keeping in touch with each other. Lovely post.

  15. Lina says:

    I never understand why my husband gets so peeved about sleeping at same time exactly everyday. He doesnt talk before sleeping so what is so necessary?

    I usually sleep worse when I go sleep at same time, because I have hard time adapting and rushing to be ready and sleepy at same time as him, like Becky said in her comment. I dunno why, but my quality of sleep is much worse cuddling and rushing to be at same time to sleep. Sometimes I want earlier sometimes late. I dont think it should be a big deal if you love each other.

  16. Kristina says:

    I wish that would work for my husband and me!! He falls asleep on his way to bed. There is no talking to him these days. He isnt home for supper, gets home late and goes right to bed. We rarely take trips and I feel like I am having to twist his arm just to go out for our 10th Anniversary…

  17. Jade N Cooper says:

    How about – Husbands: go to bed with your wives. I go to bed at 9/10 am, because I have to take my daughter to school by 8 and he stays up til 1, 2, 3 even 4 am and sleeps till 10/11 am. Our closeness really suffers because of that and my pleas get me nowhere. I can’t change my schedule. he works from home and HE CAN. He just doesn’t want to, because that’s what he’s done before I moved in and that’s what he is set on doing. He says I am unreasonable asking him to adjust. I am very lonely falling asleep nearly every night by myself and with our opposite schedules it gives us very little time for anything else… When we finally have little time, he wants to get right to “it”, but I am hurt and long time neglected at that point… I don’t want to have anything to do with him. I love him, but not interested in “it” if there is no affection without agenda leading to it and falling asleep, few minutes of conversation, just being next to him is one of those things… But he prefers to work at night and sleep in the morning. In mind sometimes he chooses making money over me (btw – we don’t share finances)… Either way – he blows out my need out of proportions and I am exhausted from asking, crying and feeling and feeling worthless. I am sorry about this rant. Thank you.

  18. Berta says:

    in 2004 my husband was diagnosed with cancer of the larynx. His voice box was removed and he now speaks with the aid of an electro-larynx which charges on the dresser over night. This means we can’t talk in bed. How I miss those cozy, in the dark sharings. Enjoy them all!

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