It’s no secret I love stories: fiction and memoir are my go-to genres, not purely for the entertainment value, but because stories—even, and perhaps especially, when they’re made up—give me great insight into what it means to be a person in this world. How should we live? How should we care for others? How might we understand ourselves? How do we understand ourselves? The best stories—the ones I enjoy most, that I am most drawn to—deliver elegant, often through-the-back-door answers to these questions.
I don’t often read with information-seeking as my first priority. Don’t get me wrong, I read at least ten nonfiction books a year that are practical and fact-focused. But these titles account for just a sliver of my reading life, and they’re never the ones I am most inclined to pick up. Good as they may be, they’re the books I need to make myself read because this type of reading feels like “work” to me. (I know many of you are the exact opposite!)
And yet, when I finish the right nonfiction read, one that I feel I needed, that deepened my understanding and made a practical difference in my life, I am deeply grateful I was able to read it: that an author built the knowledge and took the time to write it, that it was then able to find its way to me. I’m thinking of books that have helped me understand specific issues I’ve been dealing with, or that my kids have: books about topics as varied as negotiation and nutrition, decision making and skill-building, managing a business or leading a kids’ sports team.
Something I’ve noticed of late is that many of these books—the ones I’m drawn to, that I’m so glad I didn’t miss—are focused on relationships.
These past six months I’ve happened to read two such nonfiction works that have deepened my understanding of my most important relationships. They feel like companions of sorts, though they were written by different authors in different styles, published more than ten years apart, and focus on different things. And yet both of them examine our most meaningful relationships through the lens of attachment theory, something I’ve only learned of in the past few years. Attachment theory holds that the nature and quality of the bonds we form with our caregivers early in life have a lasting and significant effect on how we connect with others as we grow older. (That’s my best summary, not the official answer you should use for your next psychology quiz.)
The first, published in 2011, is Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue E. Johnson, and its explicit focus is romantic relationships. It wasn’t on my radar until late last year, and I was surprised to learn it’s sold over one million copies. Johnson doesn’t go deep into the different attachment styles here; instead she uses attachment theory as a broad framework to examine what behaviors and mindsets threaten connection in a relationship, and what steps a couple can take to reestablish a close bond.
To do this, she lays out seven important conversations couples need to have in their relationship in order to remain close, conversations such as “finding the raw spots,” “revisiting a rocky moment,” or “forgiving injuries.” She breaks down why each conversation matters, how it might unfold, and how it could potentially go off the rails. One of her underlying beliefs is that couples may slip into negative communication cycles, and when this occurs it’s important to focus on fixing the pattern, not on fixing the other person; she provides lots of examples for what this can look like in practice. Sure, the word “cheesy” comes to mind when I think back on some of the stories told here, but did I find it helpful all the same? Absolutely.
The second book I’m grateful to have found is the newer 2022 release Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends by Dr. Marisa G. Franco (which some of you will recognize from our Fall Book Preview, or as our February Modern Mrs Darcy Book Club flight pick). She opens her book by saying that romantic love gets all the attention, but friendship is every bit as crucial to our well-being, and we need to prioritize it more. By looking at friendship through the lens of attachment theory, she makes the case for the many benefits of these relationships, including how they shape us and help us become our healthiest selves. I found this to be a relatable guide for strengthening and deepening your existing friendships, nurturing new ones, and better managing conflict within them.
Compared to Hold Me Tight, Franco’s writing is more academic in style but still accessible to the layperson. She goes into more detail about the various attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—explaining what each means and how each type may function in platonic relationships. If you want to understand more about how attachment theory works, this is an accessible introduction.
I’m grateful for these information-heavy nonfiction reads, but I have to mention that some of my most profound relationship insights have come from novels. For example, one of the most striking insights I’ve encountered about grief was nestled into a post-apocalyptic story that wasn’t exactly my cup of tea (at least not at the time, I wonder what I’d think now?). And yet I think of that passage all the time. (I wish I’d been keeping a reading journal then—if I had, I would have that quote at my fingertips, ready to share with you, alas!)
There are so many reasons why we read, and a primary one for me is that books help us become better versions of ourselves, by helping us see ourselves and our relationships more clearly. And on that note …
Readers, the comments section is all yours: I’d love to hear about your relationship to reading for information. And more specifically, would you tell us about a book that has made an impact on your personal relationships? We would all love to hear about a book that made a meaningful difference in your life.
P.S. 7 books I wish I could download into my brain, and What niche subgenre do you love?
76 comments
The books of Joan Anderson, but especially “A Year by the Sea.” Post divorce, post moving my sons and myself to a different state to pursue my own career, I found Anderson’s introspection and attentiveness to what she as a woman need to fulfill herself and her life, support and life affirming to what I was experiencing. It still reverberates today as post career, I have moved states again to be near my son and help raise my granddaughters who lost their mother to brain cancer during all the isolation during Covid.
These days I kayak and enjoy the joys of living by a small pond rather than walking the beaches, but the wisdom remains and endured.
When I first saw the title of this blog I thought it was about a non-fiction book that made ANY impact on my life (not just relationships) and I was psyched becauase I have just read one: Next Level Your Guide to Kicking Ass, Feeling Great and Crushing Goals through Menopause and Beyond. And it HAS made a major positive change in me. But…. it is not about relationships. At least on the surface. However I can say that the book provided insight and reasurrance for this time of my life and explained why I have been frustrated and feeling like a washed up old has been. The information and insights in that book have improved my outlook and self image AND provided a way for me to connect in a new way with my 24 year old son. He was a distance runner and now post college goes to the gym everyday. He is so willing to answer my questions, so encouraging with my goals and our relationship has blossomed in a cool new way. So, I decided it fits the requirement and I highly recommend it as a relationship impacting book 🙂
Hi Rebecca- I’m so glad you shared this title and how it has impacted your world! Sounds like exactly what I need to be reading right now.
-heather
Rebecca, I echo Heather’s sentiments. Thank you!
Thanks for the recommendation.
Final Gifts by Maggie Callahan was so important in helping me navigate the time leading up to my mother-in-law’s death. It gave me many ways to understand and walk beside her. I am in the midst of reading Being Mortal by Atul Gawande and it appears this will also be an important book for me.
Sandy
I think Every. Single. One. Of. Us. should read Being Mortal. Such an important book full of conversations we should have with our loved ones.
Incredibly insightful and empowering.
I want to ask my parents in their early 60s to read it but it feels weird. And my siblings. We can’t avoid the difficult reality that decline could come at any time, for any of us really, but it’s an area difficult to touch in my family.
I’m old, was an RN for more than 50 years, and I don’t think you could give your parents any better gift than that book and a frank conversation about what they would want in a variety of events, for example a sudden critical illness or a significant decline in mental acuity. It’s very important that everyone in your immediate family is committed to respecting their wishes. Death is inevitable for all of us, and it’s much better to have these conversations at home, not at a bedside in the hospital.
I agree. Being Mortal gave me lots of end of life issues to think about.
“On Being Mortal” should be REQUIRED reading for ALL students in ALL post-grad medical fields: nursing, pharmacy, certainly medicine.
My daughter (42) would agree with all of you re Being Mortal. She pushed me to read it, I found a copy for my sister (79) and my mother (101) to read. My copy, peppered with book darts, will be loaned (!) to my friends. Or maybe I will just buy another copy to loan out.
I agree 100%. 1000%
I wholeheartedly agree that EVERYONE should read this. And read it again when needed.
I am in total agreement.
Agree! It changed my outlook on aging and caring for my 83 year old mother.
I wish I’d read Being Mortal before my parents’ illnesses and deaths. I would have asked different questions. Not an easy read, but filled with different, thought-provoking, challenging new ways of looking at end of life issues.
Came here to say Being Mortal sustained me through my mom’s terrible death from lung cancer. Such an important book.
Being Mortal is a must read
Final Gifts was recommended to me after my mother passed away. I wish I had read it in the months leading up to her death. I have recommended it several times to friends whose loved ones are near the end of their life, or have recently died. Great book!
Boundaries. Listening.
Two of my favorite things.
http://www.lindastoll.net/2022/10/4-life-changing-relationship-books.html?m=1
Boundaries. Oh my, yes.
You Are Your Child’s First Teacher by Rahima Baldwin Dancy greatly helped my relationship with my children when they were very young. It helped shape my expectations and deepen my respect for my kids. I recommend it to new parents all the time!
that was a good one!
I’ve had a major impact from reading a variety of nonfiction books — whether or not they are specifically aimed at relationships. The Different Drum and The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck set me on that less traveled road for my adult years. When I was 40ish, several books about adult children of alcoholics and codependency brought clarity to relationships, especially those with my siblings. More recently, “The Body Keeps the Score” broke me into small pieces and enabled me to reframe relationships and events throughout my life. And the late Frederick Buechner has been an amazing guide through my faith journey.
Good Inside by Becky Kennedy. She takes attachment theory and internal family systems and basically reverse engineers those into practical strategies to improve your relationships with your children…by improving your ability to help them regulate their emotions so they feel they can stay attached and loveable. Her work has changed the way I parent and I am eternally grateful to have this book (and all her work) as a resource. HIGHLY recommend.
Good Inside is my recommendation too, I LOVE Dr Becky! It has definitely help me with my parenting and how I interact and interpret other people’s actions. It is helping me to be a more understanding person to everyone.
Some books that have positively impacted my relationships are
The Road Back to You by Stabile and Cron (Enneagram), which helped in understanding my family’s personalities,
Tell Me More by Kelly Corrigan which aids in communication with my young adult kids (and others),
Jenny Lawson’s books (I read Furiously Happy first) which enlightens about mental illness with humor and candor, and
Being Mortal by Gawande, which examines better ways to face aging and death. So many fiction books have improved understanding and empathy: Jayber Crow by Wendell Berry is one of my favorites.
Jabber Crow saved my sanity during the pandemic.
I loved How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It by Patricia Love.
For an introduction into energy medicine and how to use it to address emotional and physical issues, I so highly recommend Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson. I’ve seen this book and it’s method change a number of lives, including mine.
The most impactful non-fiction book for me is Many Lives, Many Masters by Brian Weiss. Realizing we are eternal souls having a human experience has taken away any fear of death I ever had. I look forward to my next adventure! ❤️
Two books have helped me in my relationships:
Being Mortal by Atul Gawande – I read twice without any reason and returned to it in a time of need.
Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh – I try to read this each year
Both result in me asking big questions of myself while allowing space and grace for others.
Both of these books are poignant and important.
Lindbergh’s Gift from the Sea has been so important in my life. I read it as a young mother and have given it as gifts over the years. I’m a greatgranny now and the wisdom remains with me.
Talking to Strangers, by Malcolm Gladwell inspired in me a major shift in my understanding of others, and my own hidden biases. I highly, highly recommend the audio version. The author incorporates audio recordings of relevant press conference, police interviews, and other audio media that make the theories under discussion so compelling. I got lost a couple of times with Gladwell’s conceptual framework, but the book remains one of the most impactful reads of 2022 for me. Some of the women in my book group thought it was going to be about chatting with your seat mate on the plane and we’re put off when it went deep into misunderstandings that can happen from differences in race and life experience. Such a great audio read! I wish everyone in the US would read it.
After ending a 40 year marriage, Maggie Smith’s book “Keep Moving” was my therapist in between visits to the human therapist. Her marriage ended and she made herself write something every day. When my mind was in turmoil, her short notes of encouragement were exactly what I needed. Many of them were written on my bathroom mirror too!
I also read “Attached” by Levine and Heller which was helpful in understand some of why the marriage ended.
I also did a lot of Enneagram reading, The Road Back to You, The Wisdom of the Enneagram, and The Enneagram of Belonging.
I also found a lot of comfort in Keep Moving by Maggie Smith.
I came across her work several years after my divorce (her poem Good Bones led me to her Twitter) and found it helpful even then. I also did a re-read during the first year of the pandemic (applicable in a variety of challenging times).
“We Need to Talk” by Celeste Headlee singlehandedly changed the way I approach conversations with every single person in my life. I teach life skills to high school and college seniors as they prepare for the launch to adulthood, and I use this book (and the author’s associated Ted Talk, “10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation) every single day in my work. Check it out! (The audiobook version of the book is amazing, too!)
I’m not much for nonfiction either, but I recently listened to The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. It’s written by the current directors of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which been following participants (and in some cases, their children) for 80+ years. It makes the case that relationships are what really make for a happy life, and delves into the different kinds of relationships and how we can and should cultivate them in order to live “the good life.”
I’m a major introvert, made more by Covid and working at home, but this book has definitely inspired me to push myself to nurture the relationships in my life. I always feel better for doing so. It’s a balance–not letting my inclination to lean into solitude overtake the need to spend time with important people (especially those I don’t live with and see naturally!).
https://www.amazon.com/Books-Suzanne-Stabile/s?rh=n%3A283155%2Cp_27%3ASuzanne+Stabile
These books by the “Godmother of the Enneagram” have provided me with healthy tools for understanding myself and others through a faith based lens of Enneagram wisdom. The Path Between US focuses specifically on strengthening relationships. I also recommend Suzanne’s podcast.
The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman has been extremely valuable in helping me understand the importance of learning how others (and myself) give and receive love. Simple concepts, but very powerful!
The 5 Love Languages had a huge impact on my marriage. When I realized that my husband and I spoke different languages, SO MANY THINGS made sense. Now I know how to show him how much I love and appreciate him.
I agree. The Five Love Languages has made a big difference with my spouse and with friends.
When my daughter (now 37!) was born, I read The First Three Years of Life by Dr. T. Berry Brazelton. He emphasized how essential to the child is a stable relationship with the mother or other caregiver, how crucial that the child feels loved and valued. He also identified the steps of development (emotional, mental, physical) of young children. It gave me insight into my children as they grew and told me what to look out for.
Dr. Razelberry! This is what we called him when my daughter was a baby! I loved that book. It really helped me. (My daughter will be 39!)
I recently read “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why it Matters,” by Kate Murphy and it opened my eyes about some things I can do to improve conversations. This has helped me to have more meaningful and rich conversations, which just makes relationships better.
Also agree with previous commenters that Being Mortal by Atul Gawande is a great and important book for improving relationships. Lastly, I find that sometime reading fictional stories helps me understand and empathize with things I and those close to me are going through.
I loved A Year by the Sea and Gifts from the Sea.
I’m currently reading An Immense World by Ed Young. Mind blowing and changing my whole perspective, relationship and connection to nature and animals. I had the luck of attending a Literary Arts lecture by Anthony Doerr, and he recommended this book.
Without a doubt, “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown. It has helped me in every relationship–marital and otherwise–and has been the best tool in my “toolkit” as a therapist and ordained clergy person.
I agree. The Gifts of Imperfection is what I thought of too. It helped me improve my relationships because it helped me see myself better.
One book changed my view of and relationship with WORK! I didn’t realize I had a relationship with work, but of course we all do. Mine wasn’t particularly healthy. Work Won’t Love You Back by Sarah Jaffe. Must read.
Conversations on Love by Natasha Lunn. I think this book should be a must-read for everyone!
I have been very, very happily married for 43 years, despite the fact that my husband and I were both raised by parents in very unhappy marriages. I credit Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus by John Gray, published in 1992, with helping us navigate so many issues over the years. It helped us understand the different approaches we take to situations, problem solving, etc. as resulting from our gender differences as opposed to a flaw in our characters.
Looking forward to reading all the responses!
Mine is The Little Way of Ruthie Leming. It’s written by the title character’s older brother after watching her deal with her cancer diagnosis. It opens with a scene of him teasing her as small children which comes up again towards the end of the book, and he discusses how even small acts like that, utterly innocent at the time, eroded her trust in him from a young age, and how that made it painful for her to allow him to support her in adulthood, both pre- and post-diagnosis (very much “the axe forgets but the tree remembers”). My view of my relationships with my sisters completely changed when I read this; there were plenty of hurts in there and I was adamant that if I had caused any, I shouldn’t be blamed for it (we were children! I didn’t know!). No more. I apologized to both of them and said that I didn’t want to bring up old fights and traumas, but if there was anything specific they would like me to apologize for, I would be glad to. It is so hard to build back lost trust, and so easy to lose it in a blink. I think and hope that this offer for apology built some of their trust in me back, and I can certainly say that we are closer and more loving now than before I did. Setting aside my own selfish grudges, however valid I considered them, is what restored my relationships with my sisters.
Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart by Gordon Livingston. It’s not a new book, but has some wonderful nuggets of advice that have stuck with me.
I love nonfiction, fiction too. I love books. Two favorite nonfiction reads are “Secrets of the Secret Place” by Bob Sorge and “Essentialism” by Greg McKeown.
Essentialism is a great book!
Man’s Search for Meaning taught me that each of us has the control of how we react to other people and other circumstances.
Well I’m weird. Definitely the most influential books of my life were the Laura Ingalls Wilder books. I was a girl living in a city but read them over and over again. I think it shaped who I picked for a husband, where I ended up rurally living, and even my housekeeping.
As a parent, my most influential books were Mitten Strings for God. And Simplicity Parenting.
It has already changed the way I manage conversations with people. Crucial Conversations by Grenny, Patterson, McMillan, Switzler and Gregory. My original copy was a second edition; after 50 pages I purchased the third edition so I would not miss any key research. In a nutshell: when we talk about things we deeply care about and run into conflict in the conversation, we are likely to either withdraw (conflict averse) or try to bully our way into changing others’ minds. The problem is the little script that almost instantly begins playing in our minds. We are not even aware of it, but it changes how we continue the conversation and how willingly we share our thoughts and ideas. The book offers very straightforward solutions and strategies for altering the conversation – and to help others understand.
The Lisa Damour books should be required reading for parents of teens and tweens especially girl parents. I don’t think I could survive without them!!
Agreed on Lisa Damour! I’m going to do my next Parent Ed Book Dive on her upcoming book The Emotional Lives of Teenagers. She is so wise. Agree with others on Being Mortal, The Gift of Imperfection, Road Back to You and Mitten Strings for God. For those who liked Being Mortal, which EVERYONE should read, you might like The Beauty of What Remains. I also found some profound life lessons in that book.
THe Five Love Languages for sure. It really helped me to understand what mine was and what my partners’ was so that I could ask for what I needed and give what he was looking for.
Love is a Mixed Tape by Rob Sheffield really helped me process through the death of my father. He and I bonded over our love of music and Sheffield’s own processing through playlists really helped me through some difficult emotions.
Last year I read I Think You’re Wrong But I’m Listening and Now What by Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silver (of Pantsuit Politics) – these really helped me navigate through some incredibly divisive topics/positions amongst some friends and family members. I love them. đź’—
Finally I would recommend Life is a Joke and God Wrote It by Jerry Stanecki. I full on picked up the book bc I thought the title was funny but the gift in this man’s experiences and words left a lasting impression on my young adult self.
I enjoyed reading and learning from “I Take My Coffee Black” by Tyler Merritt. He is a gifted storyteller of his life as a black man. It helped me walk in his shoes for a little while as I read about his life. Tyler’s writing is heart warming and spiritual as he explains his relationship with God in this crazy world.
Refuse to Choose by Barbara Asher helped me understand and accept my ADHD, annd gave me some great strategies for managing my many varied interests (although the book doesn’t mention ADHD and this was before I knew I was neurodivergent — I think if it was written today it would definitely include ADHD).
I think I can credit Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb to saving my then new relationship with my partner who I’ve now been with for a decade.
As many have already mentioned, Being Mortal is amazing. Another book that I found similar but is in the disability arena (instead of aging & dying) is Sitting Pretty by Rebekah Taussig. It’s a memoir and essays. It’s so well written (& well-narrated by the author – highly recommend the audiobook!). I got to know the author intimately through stories that are touching, insightful, and funny and at the same time left with a completely new understanding of life and society and what it means to be human. I understand disability so much better now and with so much more nuance. I highly recommend it and think everyone should read it.
One of the non-fiction books that left its mark on my life was “Interrupted”, by Jen Hatmaker. We had been fired from a church and were devastated. Then reading her story and how closely ours was related, gave me hope and helped me move on. I followed that up with “7”, which started me on my own minimalist journey. The way we are today directly links back to those 2 books.
I just listened to Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. Talk about a game changer! Halfway through listening, I ordered the hard copy for underlining and notes, but I will say that the author-read audio is delightful. This is the book that has most positively affected my relationships lately. Excellent!!!!
Love reading the comments on this topic. Some I’ve read myself, Tell Me More was just one I too loved. I’ll add, The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, by Oliver Sacks. All of Leo Buscaglia books, I read these a long time ago, one title-The Art of Being Fully Human. Marianne Williamson’s books- A Woman’s Worth. A last “ oldie”, Conversations with God by Neal’s Donald Walsch. More recently I’ll add, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by, Susan Cain. Looking forward to reading her latest, Bittersweet.
The Dance of Anger, and The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner were both excellent at helping me learn to establish and adhere to boundaries in relationships. Reconciliations by Theodore Isaac Rubin, many years ago, helped to understand placing one’s focus on the positive in those you love, instead of the negatives.
The Way of Forgiveness by Marjorie J. Thompson impacted many of my relationships.
I loved Being Mortal, which lead me to read Smoke Gets in Your Eyes: And Other Lessons From the Crematory by Caitlin Doughty, which lead to my daughter and I going to hear the author speak, which then lead to some much needed conversations between she and I.
And that’s just a few of the nonfiction; there have been so many fiction books that have resulted in small, and sometimes big, changes in how I responded to a situation or person.
I do enjoy a good non-fiction read but I would never rely on them if I struggled with mental health issues. I used to follow pop science gurus on social media, but when I looked into their credentials, I was horrified at the thought that people who needed serious, professional help might be relying on these pseudo scientists whose advice was not backed by science and best practices to solve their personal problems. As a result I’ve stopped following monks, talk show hosts, lawyers, sports heros and victims who have never spent a day in front of a professional counselor.
I loved Platonic so much! Other books include:
Heartbreak by Florence Williams (part science writing/ part memoir)
Whole Brain Living by Jill Bolte Taylor (practical, I love the idea of calling a brain huddle with your four characters in your brain)
The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban (practical, with scripts)
Happier Hour by Cassie Holms (helps you plan your time on what you love to do)
My absolute favorite: The Fear Factor: How One Emotion Connects Altruists, Psychopaths, and Everyone-in Between by Abigail Marsh. (SOOO interesting, esp if you have had relationships with narcissists)
The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin has helped me in relationships with spouse, friends, family and colleagues.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab. I had no idea how much my lack of boundaries actually negatively impacted my relationships with others, and how asking for what I actually want/need could improve them. I also follow Nedra on all my social media platforms and LOVE her messages.
Attached and the Five Love Languages were also instrumental in better understanding myself and my husband. Knowing our tendencies and how to best get through to each other in times of dysregulation has been vital to creating a secure relationship.
I don’t read a ton of nonfiction, particularly on relationships, though some of the ones mentioned do sound useful and interesting! Mostly my nonfiction choices revolve around fitness, food, and nutrition, with various “microhistories” and theological tomes scattered in.
The book that’s made the most tangible difference in my relationships, particularly with my mum, is one that’s been around a long time now:
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
by Gary Chapman
There are several spin-offs now too, and the general idea is well-known. There are even online quizzes.
Discovering my mum’s love language is Quality Time was mind changing for me and totally renewed my relationship with her. This book has also given so many insights into other relationships and has prevented misunderstandings and frustration. I highly recommend it for those who haven’t yet dipped into it!