I couldn’t stop nodding in agreement with Ellen Painter Dollar’s recent post about the “kid hangover” she’s suffered for much of the last 13 years. As an introvert, she finds people draining. But as a write-at-home mother, she’s around people–her kids–all day long. She explains:
As an extreme introvert with three chatty children, I can assure you that as much as I adore my children, interacting with them is just as draining as interacting with anyone else. More so, actually. I have had a “kid hangover” for most of the past 13 years.
I get this. I’m not an “extreme introvert” like Dollar–my husband and I joke that I could almost be an extrovert, but for my overwhelming urge to curl up with a book after talking nonstop for two hours. But extreme or no, I’m an introvert. I adore my kids. But they burn the gas in my emotional fuel tank at an astonishing rate.
I’ve thought about personality and parenting a lot this year, and I think there’s more to this story than my introversion. My apparent “kid hangover” is actually a little more complex. When I read Quiet last year (great book), I encountered the term “highly sensitive person” (or HSP) for the first time, and immediately recognized myself as one.
According to Dr. Elaine Aron, who coined the term, the HSP “has a sensitive nervous system, is aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings, and is more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment.” (Henceforth, I shall describe my house as a “highly stimulating environment” instead of what I usually call it: Crazytown.)
Introverts are drained by interacting with people, but HSPs can be drained by people plus a slew of other factors at play in their environments, like sights, sounds, and smells.
First, the bad news: I’ve got a lot of things draining my fuel tank.
But the good news is that I actually have control over some of those factors.
I’ve known for a long time that clutter makes me cranky, but it never occurred to me that messy spaces are actually draining for me because there’s too much visual input. If my kids and I can keep the house straight, I can get more mileage out of my fuel tank.
And I’ve long known that when all 4 kids are talking to me at the same time, it burns my fuel at about 80 times the usual rate. But it’s not just because I’m an introvert, it’s because that’s way too much sensory input. If I can keep the noise levels down, I can actually enjoy the days when I’m home with my kids–instead of just surviving them.
I want to cultivate great relationships with my kids in my everyday life. I’m discovering that I can only engage well when I manage my energy well, and that means paying attention to my environment.
So these days I’m observing my day-to-day routines, to see where I can gracefully dial down the things that punch my HSP buttons. I’m eyeing simple fixes: snack charts and shut doors, headphones and 5-minute pickups. Things that don’t take much time out of our days, but make our days a lot more enjoyable.
If I stumble upon anything brilliant, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
How does your personality affect your home life? And have you heard of the HSP before? (If you are one, tell me!)
P.S. Read this next: let’s talk about highly sensitive people.
P.P.S. I wrote a book about personality! In Reading People: How Seeing the World through the Lens of Personality Changes Everything, I walk you through 7 different frameworks, explaining the basics in a way you can actually understand, sharing personal stories about how what I learned made a difference in my life, and showing you how it could make a difference in yours, as well.