What separates successful marriages from failing ones? Surprisingly, the answer is five hours a week. Marriage researcher John Gottman found that couples in positive relationships invest an extra five hours each week in their marriages, in very specific ways. Says Gottman, “The approach works so phenomenally well that I’ve come to call it the Magic Five Hours.”
Here’s how to work the magic 5 hours into your own relationship:
1. Partings: Give warm farewells. Gottman estimates this takes a mere 2 minutes, for 5 workdays per week: a total of 10 minutes per week.
2. Greetings: Have a debriefing conversation together at the end of each workday. Gottman allows for a 20 minute chat, for 5 workdays: a total of 1 hour 40 minutes per week.
3. Admiration and appreciation: Find a way to compliment your spouse every day and to show them you appreciate them–a 5 minute task, 7 days a week: a total of 35 minutes.
4. Affection: Show physical affection for your spouse. Hug, pat, kiss, touch. Gottman specifically advises goodnight kisses! 5 minutes a day, 7 days a week: a total of 35 minutes.
5. Weekly date: This is the big one, time-wise. Gottman allows for 2 hours, once per week, to connect, chat, dream, plan, and enjoy each other’s company.
Take a look at the time you spend on your own relationship. Do you make time for these little–but significant–things in your own life?
This content is adapted from John Gottman’s excellent book The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work.
What‘s a little–but significant–thing you would recommend to others for investing in their own relationships?
photo credit: William Warby
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I agree whole-heartedly with these findings. It’s not the cruises or gifts of jewelry, it’s the small, daily gifts of self that make all the difference. We’ve been practicing for 23 years:-)
Good list! I also try to send a text or an e-mail during the day, just to let him know I am thinking about him, or some other positive message.
I love Gottman’s work. This isn’t a little thing, but I think his differentiation between a complaint versus a criticism is super important. It’s one thing to complain about something (“You left dirty dishes out”), but it’s harmful to criticize (“You are such a slob!”) because it conveys that you don’t respect your spouse.
Whenever I mentor women, I give them 2 assignments:
Smile at their husband a lot…
Stop arguing…Bite your tongue a lot…
It is amazing how these 2 things can help a marriage a whole lot!
These suggestions are great.
It really comes down to simply extending grace towards your spouse, doesn’t it? You have to start with the assumption, the deep down belief that he does love you, and he is not trying to annoy or neglect you. Then you don’t take little things personally, or feel affronted and overly sensitive all the time. If he does something annoying (like the leaving the proverbial toilet seat up), you need to assume he was simply forgetful and not take it as a sign that he doesn’t care about you.
Obviously, I’m not talking about turning a blind eye to real issues- they need to be talked about and addressed. But when it comes to every-day living, we gotta just relax more. At least, this is what I’m learning. My husband deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Ashley, this is SO wise. I’m learning that in marriage, it’s so important to not sweat the little annoyances, and on the reverse side, really pay attention to the little things he does to help–like doing the dishes, changing the sheets, putting up the toilet seat, etc.
I definitely think it’s important to stop whatever you are doing and greet them when they get home or when you get home. Make them a priority – it says volumes!
And when I get frustrated, I always remind myself that he is ultimately for me, that he loves me and isn’t my enemy.
Grace, LOTS of GRACE.
Great post!
I do most of these things. The weekly date night is a little harder to plan than the others, although it’s just as important. But we try really hard to have one or two nights a week when we’re home, just us. Being newly-married-without-kids makes that a little easier.
A few other things I’d recommend that make a huge difference in a marriage:
Pray. For and with each other. Coming to the Lord in prayer together is a more unifying act than anything else in marriage.
Eat meals together as much as possible, and try not to eat in front of the TV very often. This is an opportunity to sit down together without any distractions and spend a few minutes talking, laughing and catching up.
Don’t talk about money or anything else that gets you stressed in bed, especially not right before you go to sleep. The bed and bedroom should be a sanctuary, a place of relaxation, refreshment and peace.
Keep your bedroom clean and tidy, for the same reason as the above.
Flirt! With each other only, of course, but keep at it like you’re still dating, to keep your love life fresh and fun.
The most important aspect of any marriage is FORGIVENESS. You’ll both mess up, a lot. But I figure, considering how much God forgives me, the least I can do is forgive my husband.
Good tips, Jaimie! I especially like the one about not talking about anything stressful in bed. I’d not heard that before but it makes sooo much sense!
Great post…thank you for sharing!
My only suggestion: These are a goal, not a right. There will be seasons of life when your significant other won’t or can’t even manage these basic aspects of maintaining a relationship. That says far more about them than it does about you.
For us, giving the kids an 8:00 bedtime is really key. We choose to let them wake up earlier in the mornings just so we can have that last couple of hours to unwind together and just talk without interruption!
8-10 pm is prime time for us, too!
All the tips in this post and the comments are great! My only addition is to ask your spouse what one or two things are most important or have the most impact on them and to put them at the top of your priority list. It can be as simple as asking if there’s anything in particular he’d like to see on the dinner menu in the next couple weeks or pouring him a glass of juice every morning while you wait for your coffee to brew. Just knowing that you respect and remember his priorities goes a long way!
Yes, excellent point. And on a similiar note, it’s helpful in my own marriage when I tell my husband what my own priorities are for each day/week/season. He knows what I’m trying to accomplish and how I’m making decisions.
I love these ideas! We already have a weekly date night (which is great), but I recently started making myself actually be awake when my husband leaves in the mornings so I can see him off. He’s a commuter and I’m NOT a morning person, so it was a challenge at first, but I can tell that it makes a real difference.
Love these tips..thanks for the reminder. I should print them out and read them every morning. We forget so easily.
I’ll send him a text while he’s at work just saying that I love him. Great tips!
Maria xx
http://www.cheekypinktulip.blogspot.com
Thanks so much for introducing me to Gottman! I’m really enjoying what I’ve read so far and learning a lot.
I’m so glad you’re enjoying his work, Nichole!
Great post. Our best marriage boost . . . laughter. Laugh together. Laugh at yourselves. Laugh at his jokes (even if you’ve heard them before, or if they’re not so funny – but my hubbies’ are always funny!). It brings us closer and makes us stronger.
I love Gottman. I’ve read a couple of his books, but not the one that has this advice. Great post, great information!
We do most of these. Unless it is a late night for him and I am asleep when he gets home. And a weekly date sounds wonderful, but sometimes it has to be sidelined. He works full-time as a minister and is in school full-time and we have two children, one with special needs. We grab our time where we can.
Basically you just have to be thinking about and prioritizing each other–that’s what it all boils down to. We can’t do weekly dates, either. With 3 kids (going on 4) that’s a money-sucker that just isn’t there. But we do try to turn off the TV/computer a couple nights a week and just talk from kids’ bedtime to ours. Sometimes we’re better about that than others.
Wow, Anne, thanks for sharing! I have an amazing relationship with my husband of eight years and people always ask us the key to our marriage. I can never give a concise answer but I just realized it’s the five things you’ve just listed here. That and keeping God first in our life. I love it! The Magic Five Hours… Fantastic!
Notice when your spouse does something for you. Of course we don’t serve each other because we want recognition, but it feels good to know your gesture is noticed too. My husband tries to put gas in my car for me, and I always tell him thank you when I get in the car and the tank is full. It is just a small, thoughtful gesture on his part but it means a lot to me.
Nicole, I love that example! (And since my husband and I trade cars a lot, that’s a specific gesture that means a lot to me, too.)
I like Gottman too. Hubby and I don’t do weekly dates, because finding a babysitter for 6 kids is very difficult. But we go out when we can.
Nobody mentioned … ahem… *quality alone time*. It’s free, doesn’t require a babysitter, and doesn’t require driving anywhere. And I think the endorphins and such released during these activities goes a loooong way towards marital happiness. Personally, I start to get really *grumpy* if it’s been too long.
I don’t think anybody’s going to argue with you on that one going a long way towards marital happiness
Does it count as a date if you bring your kid along? If not then it’s been almost 8 months since I went on a “date”
Stephanie, I’m a big believer in doing what works for you and your marriage, and not just doing things because you think you’re “supposed” to.
Quality time is important (according to Gottman, and I’d agree) but it doesn’t matter where you spend it. You could be at home talking at the kitchen table, as long as you’re spending time together! I have little ones, too, and I’d much rather have a “date” after bedtime than go through all the hoopla to get a babysitter.