My internet mentor’s daughter had surgery yesterday. I thought of her, I prayed for her, and I look forward to hearing the update. From her blog.
Because I’ve never met this woman!
I’ve spent years–and I mean years–looking for an older, wiser woman who could fill this role for me. And I’ve come up empty.
I didn’t expect it to be easy to find a mentor. One of my few friends who has a formal mentor said entering into that relationship was like being an awkward teenager asking for a date. She knew her mentor-to-be, she admired her, but it took her months to get up the guts to ask, “Will you be my mentor?” But she did ask, and it was done.
I’ve not been so lucky. So, why don’t I have a mentor after all these years? I’ll admit it, I’m a little picky. But I’m not that picky.
No, I don’t have a mentor because when I’ve broached the subject to older women I admire, the answer always come back: “Oh, honey, you’re doing fine! I couldn’t possibly tell you how to live your life any better!”
It’s true–my family life looks pretty good on the surface! And truly, we’re getting along pretty well. But I want to flourish, not just get by. I want to learn from women further down the road than I. Where are they?
Generational issues are certainly at play. Lisa McMinn’s description of the generational differences between the boomers and the younger generations helps explain my frustration to find a mentor, even if it doesn’t fix it. Older women (the boomers) have a very individualistic worldview: you can be whatever you want to be. This is their reason for not wanting to tell us younger women what to do. Even if we’re begging them!
No wonder the true-to-life mentor wasn’t happening for me! Enter my internet mentor, who coaches me via the world wide web. My mom’s the one who turned me on to the site: Like Mother, Like Daughter: because it’s important to maintain the collective memory. (Don’t you love the tagline?)
Leila is amazing. She cooks, she cleans, she tells me all the things I never knew, and she addresses pesky issues like what to do when your 3-year-old won’t nap. And she generally seems to enjoy her family and raise her children well, and has adult children, now having their own children, to prove she didn’t do a terrible job.
After reading her blog one night, I told my husband (after warning him that I was about to say something pathetic) that I’d found a mentor–on the internet. But does an internet mentor count as a real mentor?
The answer is yes–and no.
My internet mentor answers my nagging questions–and questions I never knew I had. She shows me what a thoughtful, well-ordered life can look like. She gives me ephemeral hope, and practical guidance. She’s a model, and a guide.
Our tastes aren’t really the same, and neither are our menus. But I admire her substance, and her family–and I wish I could see them up close and not from the distance of a web log.
But internet mentoring is a one-way street. Leila doesn’t know I exist. (Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever commented on her excellent blog. I’ll go remedy that immediately by leaving well-wishes for her daughter.) My internet mentor doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know what excites me, what frustrates me. She doesn’t know my strengths and my sticking points. She doesn’t know which little things she needs to remind me of, again and again, because I don’t want to believe her the first time.
Are you an older woman? The young mothers of today are desperate for your wisdom and counsel. You do have something to offer. We might be doing fine, but we long for your guidance. Share it.
Are you a twenty- or thirty-something? Continue to look to your elders, reticent as they may be. And in the midst of your busy days, remember the women coming up behind you, who don’t yet know the way. They are looking to you to show them.
So show them.
33 comments
The search for mentors for my three daughters contributed to our leaving one church and joining another. Having godly women in my life as I was growing up was huge and I wanted women who love God and their husbands and children to be actively involved in the lives of my girls. I’m fortunate to have a godly mentor in my life. I love that I can ask her anything. I hope that you too find a mentor closer to home.
Isn’t that funny? MY internet mentor’s daughter had surgery yesterday, too! 🙂 Leila is wonderful; she’s so warmhearted and down-to-earth, though I think she’s much closer to my age than yours. I would be happy to share my wisdom, in person, with a young mom, but they’re not asking. Do you think that’s because we project that image of having it all together and being too perfect?
This is the very reason I started my blog…To obey the command that older women train the younger women. I have been mentoring women for the past 8 years and I love it! I would have loved having an older woman mentoring me when I was younger. She could have spared me many years of grief in my marriage.
Resonating with all that you said. You reminded me that I kind of gave up the search.
In my younger days, I was very intentional about seeking out mentors. In my case, the older women were either too busy raising their families or, in a few instances, church politics got in the way.
The internet has been a great source to fill in the gap, but what it lacks? Yes, you hit it on the head. Thankfully, I have friends in my season of life, who can say the things to me that need to be said. We probably read the same “older women” online, so they can be her “voice” in real life.
Jessica, I love the point you made–that our friends can be the older and wiser voice, even if they aren’t older and wiser themselves. The wisdom is from the internet, but the friendship and fresh perspective is from our peers. Sounds like an excellent solution under the circumstances!
(By the way, your blog is one of my sources of wisdom. Keep it up!)
Maybe I could ask your readers, Anne?
** What qualities in an older godly older woman would make you feel comfortable seeking advice on marriage, children, etc…
and on the flip side
**What qualities in an older woman would deter you from seeking advice from her?
(been throwing this question out there all week for an article I am writing on Women of Wisdom.)
This was an excellent article and I just subscribed to your mentor’s site. You don’t mind sharing her, do you? he,he
Coming from a younger woman… it is SO amazing when an older woman takes the time to listen, laugh, and advise. I’m in the midst of college right now, and I’ve been so blessed to know the wife of one of the tutors. She adopted me the second day I was in school, and for the past two years she’s been there for me… to help me through the little social problems of my college, to give me a shoulder to cry on, to advise me on my behavior, and to order me to stop studying for a bit to have chocolate. I was amazed the first time I called her to ask for help and she drove over to campus to see me in person. She’s just been there for me with a great deal of grace and humor.
I’m generally so busy with study that I can’t make too many demands on her time… as much as I’d like to. 😉 But even the few minutes she takes in the course of a day have made a great deal of difference in my life.
Clare, that makes me so happy to hear. I’m glad you have someone filling that role in your life right now.
Can you be my mentor ? Please 🙂
Aww, that is so sweet, Katarina. Thank you!
I am in my 40’s and I always try to keep in mind, especially with my nieces who are now young Mothers that they may be looking to me as a mentor. Even though they may not verbalize it, I know that as a woman that has been married almost 20 years and has 4 children, I kind of fit that role.
I try to always be positive about things with them. I make a conscious effort not to complain about my kids, husband or housekeeping. I’ve had them ask me questions so I know that they need me.
I think back to when I was a young Mum and I wish that I had, had someone to guide me along. It took me years to fumble along and figure things out for myself.
Great post as always!
((Hugs))
Laura
Laura, I wish I had an aunt like you! I’ve learned so much in the fumbling and figuring, but I think I’d enjoy an alternative to the school of hard knocks for once.
This reminds me–I’ve read how it’s unfortunate that aunts and uncles aren’t as significant in our lives as they once were. Kids need strong adult role models that are consistently involved in their lives over time, and who aren’t their moms or dads. Glad to see some women are still filling that important role for their own nieces!
I’m in my 30s, so I never thought of myself as a mentor until I unconsciously started falling into that role with college students at my old church before we moved. It all started when some of the young women would ask questions that I realized I had just enough experience to try to answer. I’ve always wished I could have an older woman to mentor me, and as I look around at the godly women I know in their 40s/50s, I wonder if they feel the same way I did around the college crowd – too old to be one of them but not sure I really had anything to offer.
All of which is a long way of saying that I agree with you on mentoring, too. I found your blog via Women Living Well, btw.
Amy
http://makingajoyfulhome.blogspot.com
Amy, that makes me so happy to hear. I love the way you describe how it just unfolded naturally. I hope young women can find you in your new location as well!
My mentor is online as well…in my circles, I think I do mentor somewhat, but maybe I need to look for a more personal relationship in a mentor–someone nearby with whom I can connect? Something for me tho think about. Thanks!
VERY GOOD POST! Thank you for posting this today! SO true! I have found myself having a pity party in the past due to not having a “mentor” then realized that I was needing to depend more on God.
Deanna, this reminds me of a little snippet from Anne of Green Gables. L. M. Montgomery writes that Anne couldn’t possibly understand the love of God until she experienced it translated into human form. True, she was an 11-year-old orphan, and we’re talking here about grown women. But I still think we were made to live in community, and I wish my own social circles involved more community with my elders.
As a young newlywed expecting my first child, a mentor would be invaluable to me, especially since I don’t have many friends that are married and none are having children yet. But I wouldn’t know how to find a mentor if I wanted to, because the only older women in my life are my family members, and they fill a different kind of role. I think what is most difficult about my generation finding a mentor is that we don’t have many cross-generational connections – we were raised to stay within our “peer group”. That said, I also look for most advice and companionship with married women and mothers on the internet.
I hear ya, Mandi–that was me when I had my first. Yes, and you’re so right about the lack of intergenerational connections. Congratulations on your coming new arrival–and I hope you find someone to show you the ropes.
Very thought provoking. http://caribbeanmissionarywife.blogspot.com/
Good article. I have a hard time taking advice — people give it to me and what I hear is “You are doing this wrong”. It’s something I need to work on.
Lucky–I can’t help but wonder if you’re asking for this advice or not. That can make a huge difference in how we respond to it! Still, it can be hard to take advice, whether or not we need it or have requested it.
LOVE this!!!!!!!! I have been searching for a mentor for so long! I just became a Christian in 2009 and I have been desperate for a Godly woman to be my mentor. But I just can’t find one and I get so discouraged. I have no one to show me how to be a Godly woman, wife and mother.
I think, Anne, that you’re missing something. Most younger women do not want a mentor and are not interested in what older women have to contribute.
One of the main reasons I started my review blog for homeschool moms is that most of the young moms I know don’t want anyone sharing hard-earned wisdom and experience with them. They’d rather figure it out themselves…from the internet. So now I’m on the internet, too, and perhaps I can help them that way! LOL
I have learned a lot from older internet moms, too…and also some from younger ones like yourself.
Blessings,
Annie Kate
Annie Kate–you may very well be right about most women not wanting a mentor. I know I do and a lot of my friends would too, but that’s hardly a representative sample!
I’m laughing at the irony of mentoring the mentor-shunning women on the internet! I’m glad you’re putting that information out there with site.
“Older women (the boomers) have a very individualistic worldview: you can be whatever you want to be. This is their reason for not wanting to tell us younger women what to do. Even if we’re begging them! ”
I dont know if this is necessarily the problem – my struggle in finding a mentor has been that in real life a lot of the ladies i looked up to cheered me on and gave advice when i progressed with school n work . When i decided to get married it was a different story – no one was willing to give advice . I felt like i had broken some unspoken rule . I chose to have a family and work outside the home and wanted to be shown how i could both without compromising anything and all i got was to expect the worst or nothing at all
Thats why i loved this post
Katarina–are you saying you can’t find someone who can help you navigate the work/family convergence? Is that specifically the issue?
I had always wanted a mentor in my younger years as well. And though there were people in my life that filled some needs in my life, I never found that one older Titus 2 woman.
I agree that many younger women don’t really want irl mentors, and that they would rather turn to the internet. Which is exactly why we are doing what we’re doing with the new webinar coming in July and the Homemaking 101 DVD.
I know that when I was a young mother, 1500 miles away from my mother I looked for role models. This was in the days before the internet was really big. I found my role models at La Leche League meetings, among other places. The ladies there were able to guide me in my early days and even suggested that I join their ranks as a Leader. Twelve years later, I am still in touch with some of my co-leaders, and remain good friends with them.
I agree. I’m always looking for someone to mentor me and coming up short. I think it’s also important to remember that no matter how old we are, there are others that need our mentoring as well.
This is very good. I recently have come to the realization that I am an older woman. Three of my friends in their 20’s took me away for a weekend and kept mentioned that I was their mentor. They never asked but I love them and have come to realize they think me of almost a mother figure. It is a huge responsibility and we need to actively mentor other women.
I have to admit that I have turned others away as there are so many coming to me that it leaves too little time for my family. So there needs to be prayer involved. But, if I cannot mentor another, I always try to find them another woman. This gave me so much to think about though.