Modern Mrs. Darcy Best Books You’ve Never Heard Of

Archive for Best Books You’ve Never Heard Of

Jan
23

Best Book You’ve Never Heard of On…Architecture

by Anne

A Pattern Language: Towns * Buildings * Construction (by Christopher Alexander, Sara Ishikawa and Murray Silverstein) is a fascinating book that changed the way I view the world around me. But have you ever heard of it?

A Pattern Language is comprised of 253 timeless “patterns.” These individual design elements describe the large-scale community in patterns such as “mosaic of subcultures,” “web of public transporation,” and “shopping street.” Patterns such as “cooking layout,” “built-in seats,” and “windows which open wide” describe the smaller scale of the home.

Together these 253 patterns form a language which can then be used to describe an infinite variety of designs for urban planning. The design elements have been defined and are at your disposal–all 253 of them–and they can be combined in infinite ways to describe any sort of design you can dream up, from the large scale (regional corridor) to the very small (window seat).

I’m an amateur architecture buff–I’ve adored books like Last Harvest, Home from Nowhere, and The Death and Life of Great American Cities–but the way of viewing the world set forth in A Pattern Language was entirely new to me.

Though this is a book about architecture, written by architects, it’s aimed squarely at the lay person, because Alexander believes they are best suited to the task of design: “People should design for themselves their own houses, streets, and communities. This idea may be radical…but it comes simply from the observation that most of the wonderful places of the world were not made by architects but by the people.” The idea is to recognize the patterns you love and that suit your needs and combine them together to create a space you’d love to live in.

Alexander has a knack for identifying the elements that make our cities, neighborhoods, and houses comfortable and welcoming–and for advising how to combine these elements in pleasing ways. A handful of the patterns seemed unrealistic to me, but I found myself nodding and murmuring “yes!” to the vast majority. “Light on two sides of every room.” “Sunny Place.” “Windows Overlooking Life.” Yes, yes, and yes!

Here are two prime examples of patterns that struck me as intuitively true:

“The fact is that very few things have so much effect on the feeling inside a room as the sun shining into it.” (Pattern 128: Indoor Sunlight)

“If children do not have space to release a tremendous amount of energy when they need to, they will drive themselves and everybody else in the family up the wall.” (Pattern 137: Children’s Realm)

Although A Pattern Language was written over 30 years ago, this classic is still one of the best-selling books on architecture, and I highly recommend you find yourself a copy. (Hint: your local library likely has one.)

Have you ever read A Pattern Language?

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13 Categories : Books & Reading

Sep
26

Best Book You’ve Never Heard of on…Housekeeping

by Anne

I left home not knowing how to keep house. I didn’t know how to do laundry, clean a sink, or swish a toilet. I couldn’t mop the floor. I didn’t have a clue how often to change the sheets or wash the towels. And by the time I was old enough to realize that I should know how to do all these things already, I was way too embarrassed to ask. This was back in the days of dial-up internet access, so I couldn’t run to the computer and search for what I wanted to know–as if I even knew what to search for!

I got married, had a baby, and still thought I was the only incompetent housekeeper in town when my friend raved to me about her latest find: a giant book about housekeeping. “It’s like being introduced to a whole secret world I didn’t know existed. My mom didn’t teach me how to do any of this!”

I got myself my own copy of Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House and was hooked from the opening line: “I am a working woman with a secret life: I keep house.” Cheryl Mendelson believes that domesticity is undervalued in America (c. 1999, when Home Comforts was first published). Far too many of us don’t know how to keep house, and we certainly don’t understand the deeper meanings behind housekeeping.

Mendelson contrasts her own generation’s attitudes towards keeping house with her grandmother’s,who first taught her that housework carries deep meaning, and finds that the loss is ours. (If you read the first chapter and find yourself longing for a grandmother who was an expert housekeeper in the old Italian–or old English–tradition, you’re not alone!)

Mendelson is passionate about the hows and whys of domesticity, and she has the utmost respect for housekeeping, which is ultimately about making your home into a place in which you can feel at home.

Mendelson’s enthusiasm for housekeeping is delightfully contagious. Far too many people think housework=drudgery, but Mendelson’s eloquent defense of the domestic arts inspires and reminds me that housework is worth doing, and doing well:

Modern housekeeping, despite its bad press, is among the most thoroughly pleasant, significant, and least alienated forms of work that many of us will encounter even if we are blessed with work outside the home that we like….Housekeeping actually offers more opportunities for savoring achievement than almost any other work I can think of. Each of its regular routines brings satisfaction when it is completed. These routines echo the rhythm of life…You get satisfaction not only from the sense of order, cleanliness, freshness, peace, and plenty restored, but from the knowledge that you yourself and those you care about are going to enjoy these benefits.

Mendelson cares greatly about the meanings of the domestic arts, but she also tells you how to get the job done. This 884-page book contains detailed instructions for every possible household task, so that I need never again skip mopping the floors or sanitizing the towels because I don’t know how. She explains traditional housekeeping routines as well as how to ease into a cleaning routine of your own.

Mendelson’s instructions for every possible laundry-related task fill 15 chapters and are so extensive I found Laundry: The Home Comforts Book of Caring for Clothes and Linens to be extraneous, and not half so interesting either. And she also has chapters devoted to topics I’ve never needed to know about, such as liability for home accidents, contracts for household help, and domestic employment laws.

I think that our culture values domesticity more today than it did when Home Comforts was first released twelve years ago, but Ms. Mendelson’s passion for housekeeping continues to inspire me, and I still regularly pull the book off the shelf when I’m not sure how best to tackle a household task.

Readers, have you read Home Comforts? How do you find out what you need to know about housekeeping? If you’ve got any great books or blogs to recommend, share them here!

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22 Categories : Books & Reading, House & Home

Aug
9

Best Book You’ve Never Heard of on….Making Marriage Work

by Anne

I was shocked when I first saw the statistics: most marriage counseling doesn’t work. Some studies put the 9-month relapse rate for troubles who sought counseling at a bleak 70%. (And that’s only 9 months!) The best figures peg it at 50%.

So what’s the problem?

Most marital counseling focuses on conflict resolution. But according to marriage expert John Gottman, one of the most surprising truths about marriage is that most marital conflicts aren’t solvable in the first place.

And Gottman has witnessed a lot of marital spats–it’s what he does. Gottman runs a “Love Lab” in Seattle, which is devoted to studying what it is, exactly, that makes marriage work. Or not. He routinely observes couples fighting, and he’s become so good at spotting the danger signs of unhappy marriages that he’s able to predict with 91% accuracy if a couple will divorce after watching the couple interact for a mere 5 minutes.

One early danger sign is the harsh startup: the wife (and it’s almost always the wife) starts a conversation with a negative and accusatory tone. This is bad news, and is shortly followed by what Gottman has dubbed “the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Once your relationship enters the stonewalling stage (and 85% of stonewallers are male), statistically, you’re doomed.

But there’s a happy corollary to Gottman’s successful divorce predictions: he knows a successful marriage when he sees one. And happy marriages have a lot in common: first of all, they’re all built on a deep friendship. Gottman observes:

No two marriages are the same, but the more closely I looked at happy marriages the clearer it became that they were alike in seven telltale ways. Happily married couples may not be aware that they follow these Seven Principles, but they all do. Unhappy marriages always come up short in at least one of these seven areas–and usually in many of them.

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Gottman fleshes out what it is that makes successful marriages succeed–and how to make sure your own relationship succeeds as well. There’s nothing revolutionary about his advice: successful couples know each other well. Each spouse admires the other. They solve their solvable problems. They overcome gridlock. The only revolutionary thing here is that his method of therapy is twice as successful as the norm.

Gottman shows you how to view your own relationship through a marriage counselor’s eyes: How do you talk to your spouse? How do you bring up touchy subjects? Do you make small talk? What’s your tone like?

Gottman says he’s convinced that more marriages can be saved than currently are, if we would just pay attention to the right things in our marriages. I found many of those “right” things to be quite obvious–but I was surprised at others. If you’re concerned about the long-term viability of your marriage, I highly recommend this book as a troubleshooting guide. If your relationship is mostly smooth-sailing, you may enjoy this peek-behind-the-scenes at what makes a good relationship tick.

Gottman has several relationship checklists in the book, and The Gottman Relationship Institute has made two of them available online. You can take the quiz to see how well you know your partner here, or you can evaluate how you seek emotional connection here.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work may not be revolutionary to researchers, but they can be revolutionary for your relationship.

Have you read any of John Gottman’s work? Share your thoughts in comments!

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11 Categories : Books & Reading, Relationships & Family

Jul
5

Best Book You’ve Never Heard of on…Living Well

by Anne

Confession: I didn’t know anything about Eleanor Roosevelt just one month ago. For years, I’d noticed that older females I admired would reference her name, or have a quote of hers pinned over their desks. But until recently, all I knew about Eleanor Roosevelt was that she was FDR’s wife.

But I had such fun learning about Abigail Adams this spring that I decided it was high time to learn more about the famous women of American history. Eleanor seemed like a logical starting point. I checked the holdings of my local public library–intending to request a biography–but You Learn by Living, written by the lady herself, jumped out at me, its cover shouting: “The distillation of Mrs. Roosevelt’s life experience: How to become a mature person! How to use one’s time effectively! How to get the best out of people! How to conquer fear! How to maintain hope and help others!”

You Learn by Living was first published in 1960, when Roosevelt was 76 years old. It’s striking how fresh and wise her insight seems today, over fifty years later.

Roosevelt’s plucky, pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps attitude shines through on every page. You Learn by Living is packed with sound advice, heavily seasoned with anecdotes from her own life. Not knowing her story, I was surprised to find out that her life contained a good amount of hardship.

I’ve only begun learning about Eleanor Roosevelt, but I’m ready to declare her an accomplished woman. She didn’t paint screens or net purses, but this woman has been around the block a time or two–and she has a lot to show for it.

Thankfully, she’s willing to share these lessons with the rest of us:

Learn as You Go.

“Life is interesting only as long as it is a process of growth”–so you must be always learning! Roosevelt advocates a “hospitality towards new ideas.” She exhorts you to take an interest in the world around you, because “we can only grow as long as we are interested.” “This part of learning–learning as you go–gives life its salt. And this, too, comes back primarily to interest. You must be interested in anything that comes your way.”

Roosevelt constantly reminds her readers that life is an adventure–so act like it!

Develop the Ability to Focus–on the Right Things.

If you are going to get anywhere in life, you must do the hard work of learning to discipline your mind and body. Roosevelt believes our lives are the sum total of the things we think about and the choices we make, and we need self-discipline in order to choose wisely.

Roosevelt’s section on time management is especially good. In this age of productivity gurus and time management systems, her old-fashioned tips still ring true: maintain your sense of calm, concentrate on the thing at hand, develop good routines. And take good care of yourself!

Her words focused my thoughts on contemporary things like my computer habits (“you can finish any task much quicker if you concentrate on it for fifteen minutes than if you give it divided attention for thirty”) and my friend who just completed her first triathlon (“women should try to develop some interests in which their whole family can share”). Her old-fashioned advice is still right on the money.

Develop Confidence in Yourself–and a Healthy Sense of Perspective.

Learn to think rightly about yourself. This is not easy and it takes time to develop the self-knowledge to do so. But you need to have confidence in your abilities–just not too much! (I loved this quote: “Because of a variety of circumstances I have to listen to a great deal of praise. If I were to take it at its face value I would become utterly obnoxious, but, knowing myself, I realize that it is nonsense, and simply the result of a combination of circumstances.”)

The world doesn’t revolve around you–and the sooner you realize that, the better! You can best develop a sense of perspective on the world by seeking a wide range of experiences, interacting with all sorts of people, and being interested in lots of things.

Roosevelt encourages her reader to “open windows outside [your] own narrow circle” and mix with people whose lives and experiences are different from your own–people of different ages, backgrounds, occupations, incomes and nationalities. Her life story shows she practiced what she preached.

Aim for Maturity.

“To be mature you have to realize what you value most. It is extraordinary to discover that comparatively few people reach this level of maturity.” Roosevelt’s discussion of what makes for a mature person–and her musings on how to attain maturity oneself–are one of the highlights of the book. Her advice on how to take criticism well is especially wise.

The fact that Eleanor Roosevelt thought aiming for maturity was advice worth giving shows she knows something of today’s woman.

Life Is What You Make of It.

You don’t control your circumstances, but you do control your thoughts and actions: “Nothing ever happens to us except what happens in our minds. Unhappiness is an inward, not an outward, thing. It is as independent of circumstances as is happiness.”

You can create a good life–and a happy one–by being honest with yourself, by doing your best in your life and work, by loving others, and by being useful. All these things are quite doable, but they don’t happen by accident. You have to take action. Roosevelt tells us how she put these ideas into practice in her own life, and prods her reader to do the same.

This little book is well worth finding a copy of. You Learn by Living would also make a good gift for graduates, anyone heading off to college, or, of course, Eleanor Roosevelt fans.

I’m happy to see that a new edition of You Learn by Living was just released 6 weeks ago, with a new subtitle: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll want to know what those eleven keys are: learning to Learn • fear—the great enemy • the uses of time • the difficult art of maturity • readjustment is endless • learning to be useful • the right to be an individual • how to get the best out of people • facing responsibility • how everyone can take part in politics • learning to be a public servant. A chapter is devoted to each of these topics in the new edition.

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18 Categories : Books & Reading, Inspiration, Reflections, Relationships & Family, Women of History

May
18

Best Book You’ve Never Heard of on…Fertility?!

by Anne

It was pure chance that led me to discover Taking Charge of Your Fertility. It had to be. Nobody talks about this stuff.

I’d been on the pill a year when I happened to read Elizabeth Wirth’s review of Toni Weschler’s Taking Charge of Your Fertility in a favorite (sadly defunct) publication. I was miserable on the pill–I was hormonal, wacky and ironically had morning sickness all the time. My husband and I were not ready for kids. I’d discussed other birth control options with my doctor, but nothing sounded palatable.

I didn’t want to get pregnant, and I didn’t want to mess with my body in the ways that available birth control required. Everybody, so it seemed, went on the pill. But the pill made me sick. I felt stuck.

So when I stumbled across the review I immediately bought the book. I felt like I’d joined the club–somehow being the owner and occupant of a woman’s body for twentysomething years hadn’t provided me with the clear knowledge of how my body worked. Instead I found it within this little-known book I had chanced to come across, a book that also answered my birth control conundrum.

But my feelings of gratitude and relief shortly gave way to regret that I hadn’t found this goldmine sooner. I felt cheated–in our sex-saturated culture, where no topic is taboo, how had I lived my whole life without knowing this essential information about my body?

Every woman needs this information–but nobody talks about it. We don’t discuss these intimate issues with our friends, and most of us don’t get this in-depth information from our doctors. TCOYF stands in this void.

Here’s what you’ll learn:

1. How your body works

Women know all about feminine hygiene and menstruation, but Weschler passionately believes women need to understand their bodies, because “sexuality, fertility, childbirth, and menopause are all facets of being female.”

Weschler’s method treats a woman’s body as healthy–it views her fertility as a natural thing and not as a problem needing treatment. TCOYF teaches you to understand how your body works so you can work with it, instead of fighting your own natural fertility.

Weschler believes that “the self-knowledge available from Fertility Awareness is a valuable resource for all kinds of personal decision-making. Perhaps most important, it encourages women to value and trust knowledge provided by their own bodies.”

2. Effective, natural birth control

Once you understand how your body works, you can use that information to prevent pregnancy. A woman is only fertile–and therefore only able to conceive a child–several days per month, and Weschler teaches you to track your fertility by charting. She teaches two variations of natural birth control: Natural Family Planning (NFP), in which a couple abstains during the window where conception is possible, and the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM), in which users may choose to use a barrier method during the fertile phase.

The full method includes charting waking temperature, changes in cervical fluid, and cervical position. (Checking cervical position isn’t necessary, but Weschler recommends it as a cross-check.) TCOYF contains charting templates and a detailed explanation of the method. Weschler’s website is also an excellent resource.

3. How to maximize the odds for pregnancy achievement

Many couples who are not experiencing true infertility have a difficult time conceiving, but Weschler believes that many women are misled to believe they’re infertile when in fact their timing is off. (She doesn’t have much faith in ovulation predictor kits.) TCOYF teaches you to chart your fertility signs (as explained above) so that you can time things right in order to optimize your chance of conception.

A woman’s fertility charts contain loads of valuable information if she does decide to seek medical help for infertility. She will have a better idea of what the specific problem is. (Is she even ovulating? Is she conceiving–and quickly miscarrying? Is male infertility the issue?) She can go to her doctor armed with personalized information about her body, which can speed treatment and help her avoid unnecessary tests and procedures.

I’ve recommended this book to numerous friends who are attempting to conceive, and several credit Weschler for their successful pregnancies. But even if you don’t immediately get pregnant, knowing what’s going on with your body can give you a real sense of control and lighten the emotional burden.

4. Tools for dealing with practical matters beyond fertility

There is more to a woman’s gynecological health than fertility, and Weschler details how to keep your body healthy. She discusses what issues require medical attention–and which ones probably don’t.

I appreciated the section on premenstrual syndrome–PMS can make a woman feel out of control, but understanding what’s going on with your body can prepare you to cope. I’m willing to bet countless other women feel the same way about her chapter on menopause.

Knowledge is power

Every woman should possess this knowledge about her body, but since nobody wants to talk about it, I highly recommend Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 10th Anniversary Edition: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health for all adult women.

I’d like to feature more books that most women have never heard of…but that all women should read! Post your recommendation to comments or email me at modern mrs darcy at gmail dot com. Thanks!

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